Drama, Drugs and Data: A Profile of 10 Top Tech CEOs

As the heads of some of the largest companies in the world, these chief executive officers make decisions that can affect our daily lives, but just how much do we really know about the filthy rich dudes in positions of power? We examine their careers, personalities, and histories, and make a lot of speculative guesses. From now beefy Bezos to mad McAfee, here's a look at a few top tech CEOs.

Who’d have thought that selling books over the internet would lead to becoming the richest man in modern history? Jeff Bezos, that’s who. The Amazon founder likes to portray himself as having a fairly normal lifestyle. Like many average Joes, he has 290,000 acres of land and owns a major national newspaper, a space travel agency, and a company that’s been valued at $1 trillion.

Amazon gets a bad rap for the way it treats its employees, but never forget the firm’s logo: “Work Hard. Have Fun. Make History.” Bezos initially wanted just “Work hard,” but thought it might make morale even worse - if such a thing were possible. He’s also known for his explosive temper - a quality rarely found in Lex Luther-like, ruthless billionaires whose workers are usually striking when not being poisoned by bear repellent.

Bezos recently revealed that Amazon wouldn’t go on forever, warning that big companies tend to have lifespans of 30-plus years, not one hundred-plus years. Whether humanity lasts that long is debatable - maybe that’s why he started Blue Origin, so he can escape to the stars with an army of automatons who will work forever as we all drown/burn/starve.

Likes: Print media, automation, money, “a strong work ethic,” shouting, drones, space, hitting the bench press and pushing out 10 reps@300Ibs - with good form.

Dislikes: Donald Trump, corporate taxes, unions, constant workplace accidents, hair transplants, ungrateful strikers, South Park.

If Bezos is a James Bond villain, then Musk is 007 himself. Suave and engaging, the Tesla boss is doing everything to save mankind from itself. He’s also a bit of a Twitter troll, which has gotten him into trouble on many, many occasions. Just posting the words “Funding Secured” cost him and Tesla $40 million and his position as chairman of the company’s board. At least he never tweeted anything too crazy, like accusing a someone of being a pedophile.

Musk often talks about his 120-hour work weeks and once said that sleep is not an option, which could explain why he’s not great at receiving criticism -- just ask the customer who had his Tesla order canceled by Musk after he was a bit rude about him. He’s also reportedly prone to “rage firings,” all of which shows how grouchy you can get when sleeping on a factory floor for 5 hours a night.

Tesla certainly isn’t a fan of government agencies, having suffered unlubed probings by the FBI, DOJ, and SEC (who Musk does not respect) – maybe that’s why he’s keen to move to, and eventually die on, Mars. Let’s see anyone try to monitor his tweets up there.

47-year-old Musk is currently dating 30-year-old musician Grimes, making him one of the coolest CEOs in the world. He also took a hit from a fat blunt with Joe Rogan. Hard to imagine anyone else on this list doing the same thing -- well, apart from John McAfee, obviously. And despite appearing to not inhale a substance that’s legal in the state where the podcast took place, it led to NASA investigating SpaceX. Musk should have just thrown caution to the wind and snorted a line of environmentally friendly cocaine.

Likes: Electric vehicles, the First Amendment, working oneself into a state of delirium, Twitter, hair transplants, flamethrowers, tunnels, 4:20, Grimes, space.

Dislikes: The SEC, fossil fuels, artificial intelligence, criticism, sleeping, people checking his tweets.

If ‘conservative’ is a dirty word in the tech world, then Peter Thiel is filthy. While the entire industry gave almost $8 million to Hillary Clinton’s campaign, he alone donated $1.25 million to Trump’s. He was vilified for it, but, as is often the case with Thiel, he got the last laugh, which probably sounded like Sideshow Bob’s when The Simpsons' character won the election.

There have been several things written about Thiel that we now know are definitely not true. He does not, for example, harvest the blood of the young to transfuse it into his own veins in order to live forever. Other completely untrue stories about Thiel include: he slithers into our dimension every morning through a haunted mirror; he is the physical embodiment of Mictlāntēcutli, the Aztec god of death; he puts small insects into plastic bottles and throws them into the sea “so they can have an adventure.”

Thiel is also chairman of data-mining company Palantir. His firm's often accused of being evil, but that's never been proved. Notable clients include Lord Voldemort, Darth Vader, and Satan.

Say what you want about Thiel, but the guy’s got it going on upstairs. He co-founded PayPal, which eventually became a rather large company. Thiel also recognized how much everyone loves seeing photos of other people’s children, food, and vacations, so decided to become Facebook’s first outside investor. And, as Gawker found out, you don't want to piss him off.

Likes: Donald Trump, the US legal system, living forever, New Zealand, Hulk Hogan, capitalist Star Wars, Lord of the Rings.

Dislikes: Gawker, Hillary Clinton, Meryl Streep, sugar (apparently), communist Star Trek.